I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Yup, that’s right, that’s what I said – I don’t know what I’m doing.

I have a business. A business that I have been working on for over 5 years.  I’m going to tell you a secret.  It isn’t working. Wow that feels big to say.

Through the years of trying to grow and redefine my business I have created rules for it.  Lately I’ve noticed these rules aren’t working for me.

Now that’s silly isn’t it? I created these parameters to operate my business within.  A list of should, can’ts, do nots, onlys, whens, nevers, etc.  I’ve “ruled” myself right into hating my business.

Ok, well maybe hating is too strong a word.  But, I have definitely been feeling limited, trapped, silenced, wrapped in a box… ok, maybe hate isn’t too strong a word to use.

I didn’t realize what was happening to me.  There would be small successes and big stumbles and I would just keep charging ahead as though things were working – as though my business was serving my life. Hint – It wasn’t.

These are big and scary things to bring to light. Especially when you're not sure what you want o do about them.

Now there is an exciting thing to point out. This is MY business. (I know what you're thinking - simple concept, she should have realized that a while ago.) But it’s so easy to get caught up in the URGENT day to day stuff that you forget to check in and make sure that your business is still on a path that serves you.

Oh yeah back to the exciting point because I’m the one who made all these oppressive rules for my business, I can unmake them!

Only one catch, I have to know what I want before I can make any changes.

Easier said than done my friend. I have to decide what I truly want my life to look like. Not what I think I should want it to look like, and not what everyone else thinks it should look like. I have to dig down and find that inner voice that already knows, and I have to listen to her. That's the hard part!

That’s why I’m giving myself some space; some time to explore (on a schedule, and on a budget, mind you). I need to have some creative fun, or I’ll lose why I do this in the first place.  I need to follow my whims, play and embrace the discovery.  Believe me, this isn’t easy.  I have to remind myself every morning that this is part of the journey.

It’s like I’m sending myself on a holiday to creativity land, where I get to work everyday at 9am (I like to sleep in) where my job is to listen to that voice and let her run around in the fields for a while.

This year is all about GROWTH for me. Who knows, I might just grow myself into something new. Stick around to see what happens.