These days it feels like there is so much going on in my life and at the same time so very little. Confusing I know, it’s confusing to me as well some days.
I have to pause on the way I have been spending my days for the last few years (working on my jewelry business.) I hit pause and then restart and pause all over again – so the cycle has been going for the last few months.
I keep bumping up against something that is telling me to stop, at least for right now. I have to say that is so scary. It’s scary because my husband and I have been working towards this bigger goal for both of us.
For the past five years I have worked a myriad of part time jobs that fit in and around creating and trying to grow my jewelry business while my husband has been supporting our lifestyle.
We have a vision for our future that includes him quitting his editing job to focus on his photography work, selling our house, and moving out of Los Angeles. The hope was that my business would be up and running enough so that I could at least pull my own weight financially to help facilitate these changes.
We have talked about opening a gallery together, creating an artists’ retreat in our new location out of the city, and a few other ideas a long the way. The time is here. The time is now. We are starting to meet contractors to get the work done on our house so that we can sell and he can quit his job hopefully within the next nine months.
It feels like I’m throwing a wrench in things, and that also feels scary and might I add selfish. The thing is I know I’m meant to do more than run a jewelry company. I am meant to do so much more. My heart knows it. My gut knows it, and my fucking nerves know it.
When I talk to my fellow creative about this they say, “but that’s so exciting, right?” Yes it is, but I’m still in the discovery phase and for me like a lot of what the hell am I doing mixed with twinkling moments of excitement and vision.
The vision is out there, it’s hovering just beyond my grasp. Some days I’m able to pull a few nuggets out of the air and plant them into a rough outline of what is to come.
So there is fear of adding to my plate and changing direction, fear of the unknown, fear of failure. I know I’ll be ok along the way, but all these fears crop up. It’s going to take time for this new vision to manifest itself, and as someone who likes to plow ahead and get everything done now, and everything done right this stage is killing me. It feels like three steps forward and two steps back. That step I’m gaining most days is trust. Trust in myself my vision and my strength.
My husband, James, and I are at such a great point with so many explorations and avenues for growth ahead. I am often overwhelmed by the joy I can feel these changes are going to bring us. I will continue to trust in myself and trust in the process each day of our journey thru these BIG changes.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing in this story with me. I look forward to sharing the evolution of my vision with all of you.